No, the Spice Girls have nothing to do with the avocado invasion. The avocado influence has been centered within the US. Avocados can't swim, and therefore they have never gotten to Britain or the UK. Therefore an avocado has never met a Spice Girl.

Ouch, this is a touchy subject. Okay, well let's get people up to speed on this thing. Andrew Cunanan is the suspected killer of fashion designer, Gianni Versace. Cunanan is an accused serial killer and is one of the FBI's 10 most wanted. Versace was a famous fashion designer who lived in Miami, Florida, which is where he was killed.

Okay, the avocado did NOT drive Cunanan crazy. Cunanan has instead been influenced by the rivals of the avocado, the Cucumber Men. This maniacal group of green vegetables want only one thing: eternal life. In fact they have been attempting for years to achieve this goal through the perfection of the pickling process (pickles last forever you know). Unfortunately for them, the avocados have influenced the general public into thinking that these preserved cucumbers floating in brine taste wonderful. Needless to say, the avocados have upset the cucumbers in their quest, and so a feud has erupted between the two green groups.

Furthermore, a source has told me that Versace was fond of creating garments that were avocado. It is unknown whether Versace was under the power of the avocado, but it is known that Cunanan was controlled by the Cucumber Men. So in an attempt by the Cucumber Men to stop the creation and popularization of avocado garments (and avocados), Cunanan was influenced to murder Versace.

News as of July 24, 1997-

Well, it seems that the man known as Andrew Cunanan no longer exists. The accused serial killer of Gianni Versace has been found dead in a houseboat in Miami. He apparently committed suicide with the same gun he used to kill Versace. Many suspect that since his face was plastered everywhere, he would have never gotten away, leaving killing himself as his only option. I, for one, don't buy it. I think it is payback courtesy of the avocados. It was revenge for the cucumber killing of Versace. They simply had some Floridian avocados take over Cunanan's mind, who then forced him to kill himself.

Very observant Fran. But what you don't realize is that they aren't staking out the "new frontier", Mars is actually their home spawning ground! In reality, that is why whenever we hear about Martians they are called "Little Green Men". And as a matter of fact, the Mars Pathfinder is very upsetting to the avocados. Their vast congressional power couldn't halt the launching of this mission, which could essentially expose their presence on the Red Planet. It is this possibility that I suggest you believers out there take advantage of. Here is what I suggest you do: First break out the magnifying glasses and scan every millimeter of each image until you can find proof. Then once you do this, take the image to a print shop and have them make a T-shirt with the image and the phrase "Avocados on Mars!" printed on it. Then once you do this, be sure to get the same image tattooed on the back of your neck. But make sure it is reversed so that you can only view it in a mirror. Now go out to a large public space, wear your T-shirt, and scream at the top of your lungs "Avocados on Mars!". Then when the police (who'll probably be under the power of the avocados) arrive, arrest you, and take away your T-shirt; you'll still have the tattoo on your neck and proof that avocados live on Mars.

As far as I know, I know of but one good fruit. I'm pretty sure that most fruits and vegetables are harmless (in that they won't attack you), but I can really only speak for one... the fig. For those of you who don't know what a fig is, it is a small purple fruit that grows on trees and is similar in shape to a pear. Generally they have a milky sap, feel like prunes, and are related to the mulberry.

There is this one group of figs that actually help us out, and they are called the Fig Men. This particular species of fig is about the size of an eyeball, and they are the ones who bring us our dreams at night. Sometime just after the sunset of everyday, millions of these little guys take a swim in barrels of dream sand. They then collectively spread themselves all across the world making sure that they reach every person. Then while we are sleeping they jump up and down on our heads, shaking off the dream sand into our hair. And it is this dream sand which allows us to reach that state of consciousness that we call dreaming.

Now, you may ask why we are never able to see these little Fig Men. The reason that we are unable to see them with our naked eyes is that their shade of purple is only visible in the ultraviolet spectrum. But just so you don't have to go and prove it for yourselves, I've taken the liberty of filming one of these little guys for you all to see:

Cute isn't he? It is because of him and his million little buddies that we are able to dream at night. (Oh and by the way, nightmares are the result of vultures who drop nightmare-bombs, just in case you wanted to know...)

"Interesting theories, but you are mistaken. WHEAT and related grains are the true enemy, being the most powerful organism on the planet. WHEAT, you see, has been manipulating the human race since we moved on from being simple hunter-gatherers to developing agricultural systems - we are the slaves of WHEAT, in that we constantly strive to produce new strains that are resistant to fungus, pests etc. Back in the shadowy past, WHEAT was a sentient organism (all WHEATs and associated grains are in fact part of a vast single organism) capable of communication with humans and IT persuaded our naive ancestors to cultivate and feed off the mighty WHEAT so that it might realize its ultimate goal - to cover the surface of the earth in an insulating layer of dense grains, and so cause a form of internal global warming which will eventually cause the planet to combust and project special WHEAT seeds into the furthest reaches of our galaxy where they can do evil to other innocent civilizations. Rumours that WHEAT has enlisted the help of the CIA, the Illuminati, Freemasons, NASA and Elvis are, of course, utterly true.

And finally....FEAR THE WHEAT, HATE THE WHEAT, BURN THE WHEAT."- Jack

What I think of this theory...

"Is this guy a complete nut or what?"

Jessica,

I really don't know what you are talking about. Why would Avocados attack humans... um... errr... society? There just little green vegetables that wouldn't harm a fly. I mean... (hold on a second, I have an itch...) Avocados are our friends. The bring millions of dollars to those poor humans, I mean people in California. Avo... (gee this scar behind my ear is really hurting...) Avocados are a blessing to your... I mean our society. I mean without Avocados, how else would you be able to transport your fellow meat popsicles in vehicles powered by the liquefied essence of ancient caramelized dinosaur carcasses? Explain that one to me, and then we'll... I mean I will get back to you on your Avocado shortage theory.

By the way when the the two 7' 2" pale skinned humans in dress coats appear at your door in a few days, be sure to let them into your dwelling. The procedure that will follow will only hurt for a few moments, but trust me when I say that you'll feel much better in just a couple of hours...

- Andrew Green
Fellow Human
Slave #1578-CRT90
"Praise All Green!"

"I don't know if you're based in the States or not, but here in Canada, the government has introduced a new $2 coin. This coin appears to be made of two separate metal disks that are pressed together, one inside another. In fact, these two metals form a battery to power the micro-voice recorder held within. That, coupled with the hidden cameras in vending machines, allows THEM (whoever they may be!) to capture your voice, (micro recorder), your finger prints, (from the surface of the coin) and a mug shot of you from the vending machine. Who knows, they may have even figured out a way to allow these incredible devices to read your credit card as they sit in your wallet waiting for use!

Good luck on verification. I hear they self-destruct on disassembly."- Nigel

What I think of this theory...

Nigel is correct in his worrying. Many may not know this, but the US has a little known denomination of $2 US dollars as well. But as some of us stateside know, they are very hard to come by. The reason? They are also corrupted by the Avocados. Okay, so why are they in limited number? Two words: Gerald Ford. Yup, ex-president Gerald Ford was aware of the Avocado menace during his presidency and it was his political power which slowed the circulation of the hypnotically influenced $2 bills. Unfortunately for the ex-president the Avocados got to him, and well... he just isn't all there anymore if you know what I mean.

Also, it seems that there is a connection with Avocados and the number 2. I don't exactly know what the connection is but I intend to find out one day.

Finally, if you come across any $2 US bills (or $2 Canadian coins for that matter), be sure to send them to me at A. Green; Chandler, AZ. I'll be sure to properly dispose of them so as to save you the trouble of doing it on your own...

"I have always had a hard time talking about this but I feel stronger and stronger each time I tell it. I was personally abducted by and entire legion of avocado rebels. They overheard me in my favorite restaurant asking the waiter to hold the guacamole. As I was leaving the restaurant it happened, They took me to their headquarters and forced me to water their seedlings. I have to warn you they have a huge warehouse full of contraband. They are the ones that caused the great shovel, and hoe shortage of the 70's. Yes they have all the equipment they need to harvest on the millennium. Everyone must be on alert, the next time you see an avocado YOU MUST DIGEST IT!! as gruesome as it may sound you have to do it, if all humans cannot come together to fight this horrible seize, all humans will perish. Just like Andrew Cunanan, and the heaven's gate cult, Of course you all know that if you play that video tape backwards they are all worshiping the avocado. Once again this is my plea to the human race..the blender is our only salvation I must go it is time to water now.....PLEASE AVENGE ME"- Danny

Okay time for the AAES (Avocado's Are Evil Society) Diet! -

Ingredients -

• Avocados... lots... an entire produce section is adequate
• One ball pin hammer (or sledgehammer... if you are a weight lifter)
• One straw (preferably one of those neon, curly ones... they're cool)

Okay, here is what you do.

1. First go to your local grocery market, or if one is unavailable, a local produce cart will do.
2. Locate the avocado section.
3. Put the hammer in your hand, lift it above your head and...
4. SMASH! SMASH! SMASH!
5. Then before anyone notices what you've done, eat the pulped avocado flesh as fast as you can.
6. And use the straw to suck up all avocado juice that is left over from your smashing.
7. Then run away laughing out loud... because you know you'll be back tomorrow.

Um, the latest I've heard about the Chinese Chicken Disease is that the meat that is found from them has to do with some brain disorder in Britain. Also the milk that they give is also said to be tainted. In addition to this their spots have been rumored to invert their colors from black and white to white and black. Finally their "moo's" make a much louder "moo" and their... oh wait... those aren't chickens are they? Those are cows... Hmm, okay... chickens, chickens, what to say about chickens... Um, I've heard that several large flocks of zombie chickens have risen in Louisiana and begun eating the townspeople. But I wouldn't worry about them coming to your local KFC (give them a good week or 2 before they show up in your town), worry about the Avocados!

Actually there is a funny story to how the green army colors occurred. It seems that back in the days prior to W.W.I, the US government planned on using sky blue as the color of choice for our military. The theory was that the US soldiers would blend into the sky as they fought. Obviously, it was found that soldiers were often too easy spot in these uniforms as they rarely jumped or flew by flapping they're arms.

So the US government began a study to see what color would best suit the soldiers. A young politician at the time suggested that the government form the FVCCC (Fruit and Vegetable Color Camouflage Council) to help choose the default color by throwing (actually launching with the help of a cannon) fruits and vegetables at test soldiers, and then ask well known fashion designers of the time which splatted organic color looked the best. After several years of testing and over $3 million US tax dollars spent, the designers concluded the the military should use avocado (or puke) green as the default color. The avocado was chosen because it crushed easily on the test soldiers, covered the soldiers easily, and didn't seem to kill as many of the test soldiers on contact from the cannon like the apples, oranges, and watermelons did.

First lets get the facts straight. Bob Dole is really only 25 years old. He just looks as old as he does because he doesn't smile much. So a lesson that can be learned is that if you smile more often and you won't age as fast as Bob Dole. A good example of this theory is actress Brooke Shields, who is in actuality 53.

Now as far as a Bob Dole breeding avocados... this idea is false. Bob Dole breeds little Bob Dole's. He's human, so he makes little babies. Besides, I doubt that his wife would allow him to fool around with a vegetable.

Why yes as a matter of fact... there is a little known secret about oranges: THEY CAN KILL YOU! Yup, oranges can be deadly. So how can they be deadly you ask? Two words: Vitamin C. Yes, Vitamin C can kill you. You can die from Vitamin C poisoning because of a simple science fact:

1. Oranges contain Vitamin C
2. Oranges and orange trees grow in the Sun
3. The Sun also contains Vitamin C
4. The Sun is also radioactive
5. So Vitamin C is radioactive
6. So oranges are radioactive
7. So oranges are deadly!

   Of course you would need to eat over 5 pounds of oranges in one sitting in order for them to be lethal, but they are deadly nonetheless.

You know what? I just love potatoes. I love them fried, baked, boiled, barbecued, sliced, chopped, diced, and minced. I also love potato chips, french fries, potato pancakes, scalloped potatoes, waffle fries, curly fries, steak fries, shoestring fries, hash browns that are shredded potatoes, hash browns that are chopped up potatoes, hash brown patties... heck any kind of hash browns!

Yumm... potatoes... I'll think I'll go get some now...

"Slick Willy", as his friends call him, has no connection with the Avocados. He just drives a truck for a living, and on the side he sells used motor oil door to door from which he gets his name. Monica is his Cuban girlfriend of sixteen years and she currently has a broken leg, so she has been resting at the family motor home. They have a dog named Sprinkles and their favorite food is Cheetos. So even if they DID have a connection with the Avocados, I don't think it would make much of a difference since they are an isolated couple in Florida.

Hey everybody, let's have a sing along with the Theme from the Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!
Click here to play the song, and be sure to sing along!

(sounds of killer tomatoes attacking and women screaming)
"Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!...
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!...
They'll eat you, bash you, squish you, mash you, chew you up for brunch... and finish you off, for dinner or lunch!
They're marching down the halls, they're crawling up the walls... they're gooey, gushy, squishy, mushy, rotten to the core... they're standing outside your door!"
(music interlude)
"Remember Herbert Farbage, while taking out his garbage... he turned around and he did see tomatoes hiding in his tree... now he's just a memory.
I know I'm going to miss her, but a tomato ate my sister. Sacramento fell today, they're marching into San Jose... tomatoes are on their way.
The mayor is on vacation, they've come to spread to the nation. The police have gone on strike today, the national guard has run away... tomatoes will have their day.
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!...
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!...
They'll eat you, bash you, squish you, mash you, chew you up for brunch... and finish you off, for dinner or lunch, lunch, lunch, dinner or lunch, lunch, lunch, dinner or lunch..."

Very few people know this, but the film known as "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" is actually a documentary of a real tomato attack on a small town near San Diego. But unlike the avocado conspiracy, the original tomato uprising was quickly quelled, and the so called species known as the "killer tomato" (or in Latin, carnivorous redicus) is now extinct.

Well if you don't know already, Area 51 has been abandoned. Yep, no one works there anymore. The site got so much attention that they transplanted everything and everyone to a hidden mountain location in Utah. And if you think that I'm lying on this one... well let's just say I ain't. No kidding, look it up... for real...

As far as what has come out of Area 51 since my expose, well there have been 2 video games ("Area 51" & "Site B"), at least 1 movie ("Independence Day"), as well as a jelly-like paste called "Guaca". Guaca is a artificial guacamole substitute made out of human corpses! The Avocados market the Guaca to Californian surfers who like to put it on their fish tacos.

The Truth About Mosquito Bites...

Ok, there are a couple of things to note about mosquito bites. First of all, most of the time when we humans get bitten its in an location where it is humid and hot. As you know us humans sweat quite profusely in this kind of weather. And since we sweat as must as we do, there are a few of us that... err... get kinda rank.

The mosquitos notice these type of people just as easily as we do... and well they feel sorry for these "smellies". So they go bite these guys in an attempt to help them out. "Wait a second", you may say, "how does biting help the smellies?" Well you see, when they bite they release a small amount of natural occurring cologne. This cologne then helps them not smell as bad.

Unfortunately, the cologne can only be smelled by other mosquitos... but they still try to help the "smellies"...

Yes there is a reason the Internet is so slow. The reason is because all the avocados have figured out how to use AOL and have started building and viewing Avocado Porn sites. Yup, avocado porn... and believe me, it's some nasty stuff. Don't believe me? Check out this link to see for yourself

The weather is also due to avocados looking at the avocado porn and letting off lots of moisture when they get excited...

First off, there ain't no rubber room. Although the drywall does seem to have a nice "bounce" to it...

Second, no money was spent in the production of these pages... only time... well I guess time is money... so I guess I do spend money... *grumble* (jeez, talk about making a guy feel like he's wasting his time...)

*slight pause*

But you DID read it all! So there is at least an audience for this stuff, so long live the AVOCADO CONSPIRACY! Woohoo! (I feel redeemed now...)

Soft pulpy flesh... soft pulpy flesh... soft pulpy flesh... nuff said.

The thing behind the milk probably wasn't an avocado.

However, since it was green and horrible it might have been demonic Jell-O. To tell if it was demonic Jell-O versus just normal tasty lime Jell-O, you need to check to see if it has any marshmallows inside of the gelatin. If there are marshmallows floating inside of the gel, then its demonic. If its marshmallow-free, then it is fine and you can eat it.

However, don't eat demonic Jell-O!! If you eat it, you'll see leprechaun's using your toothbrush in the middle of the night, and its just better for the soul if you don't see them... cause they still do it anyway.

Ok guys, let's all go over to Don Fahs house and shove bananas down his throat! We need to purge him of the avocado influence! I say we go over there is about 30 minutes, I've got to go to the store and buy some more bunches of bananas. You all head over there and I'll meet you there... eventually...

Ahhhhhhhhh! RUN! Run for your lives!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

The simple answer to your question is that you are hallouscinting. You said you digested an avocado? Well there ya go... There is no cult of the Subversive Pomegranate, and worse yet your friends also aren't there as they don't exist. They are all hallouscinations, in fact this thing you think is the Internet really doesn't exist either......

Well you are right to be worried about the squashes, as they are really avocados in disguise. Certain avocados tire of being the puke green that they all are, and so they spend some some time tanning out in the sun to turn themselves hues of yellow and orange. However, since most of these avocados are stupid they don't remember that an avocado left out in the sun too long loses its "evil" power. Once this happens, the avocado becomes a harmless vegetable.

However, there are a few of the rebel avocados that are fairly intelligent, and they instead change into a yellow/orange squash via the use of leftover Easter egg dye. These "dyed" squash are not harmless like other avocado-squash, as they still have their evil power! Furthermore, it is unfortunate that it's almost impossible to differentiate between the 2 versions, so you need to be cautious around all squash!

Ok, lotsa questions here and so here are my answers:

1. The Time Warner and AOL merger - Whose fault is it? Microsoft of course and not the avocados (Everything is Microsoft's fault).
2. Your mean cat - Whose fault is it? Microsoft of course and not the avocados (Everything is Microsoft's fault).
3. Your avocado trash can - Whose fault is it? Microsoft of course and not the avocados (Everything is Microsoft's fault).

I think Veggie Tales is clean, but I'm not positive. As for your question if there were any good avocados at any point and time, I'm not sure about that either. I've read some posts on alt.avocados.religion about "The Original" which was supposed to be a good and kind avocado, but again this could just as easily be myth.

I have five words: Cuban Cigar Companies and Twinkies. Why Twinkies? Eh, it sounded funny at the time.

Ever notice how cantalopes look like alien brains with the veins all over their rind? Cantalopes are actually alien brain eggs. These eggs can hatch only if submersed in gelatin. The food companies powerless to wipeout the entire cantalope population, decided to instead ban Cantalope Jell-O. So that's why you can't find Catalope Jell-O in your local grocery stores. Er, what was your original question?

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your honest thoughtful comment.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your honest thoughtful comment.

An avocado stuffed animal!?! What is coming to this world!?! What's next, an avocado commission? Oh, wait that already exists...